[ for a moment, the instinct is there to make some flirtatious joke, to ask him what sort of dream the good ones are, to touch him while she asks — but that isn't what they do, that isn't who they are.
not here. not anymore. ]
You couldn't help it any more than I could.
[ either they're both to blame, or neither one of them is. ]
[ he rubs a hand across his face and then back through his hair before sighing. ]
My dream, my fault. [ something about his dream and that particular dream had made it so she got pulled in with him. ] I ended up here pretty soon after that happened. Probably for the best because I was not — doing good there. After that.
[ he thinks about it for a second before he shakes his head. ]
There's a lot of good things here. A lot of good people. But I hate the question marks. The act of not knowing where she is and if she's okay and if she'll even remember me is a killer. It's awful.
[ and there's nothing he can do to change it either. ]
[ sometimes, one has to be cruel to be kind. sometimes, it's just cruelty. bobbi would like to think that she knows where the boundaries lie, but she isn't so sure right now. ]
There's no guarantee you'd know any of the answers or be able to find out if you were home.
[ it hurts to hear it so bluntly said. it hurts but he knows it's true. that doesn't make it any easier to hear, though. he leans forward, elbows braced on his knees and slides his hands through his hair. ]
Yeah. I know.
[ there's a possibility that he'll never see his daughter again and he knows it. but he hasn't made peace with it. ]
I'm trying not to think of that, though. I don't know if I can deal with it.
[ he's pretty sure he's going to end up dying at least once before his time here is up (if it's ever up). it's a cold comfort to know it won't be permanent. ]
And if we don't, here's hoping this place doesn't become too unbearable.
[ he pauses and snickers. ] Feels like I should be lifting a glass of something alcoholic when I say that.
[ both of those things. it is optimistic — but some of it is also in their hands. not what this place throws at them, but how they react to it. whether they focus on the good or the bad. whether they create more good or more bad. ]
[ he snickers quietly and then looks down at his hands, wringing them together a bit because — he doesn't know why. this still isn't all that easy but he's trying. he sighs and rubs a hand over his face. ]
I would love to just...close my eyes and not dream about anything for once in my life. It's always something. You just happened to see that one.
[ sometimes it was the plane. sometimes it was gus dying. sometimes it was nearly dying himself so many times. lorna leaving, july fifteenth, and so many other greatest hits. ]
Edited (that was not the icon i selected) 2019-09-22 12:22 (UTC)
[ there's some hesitation in the suggestion, her lips pressing together. this, she's genuinely unsure about — would it even work? would it make a difference at all?
[ for a moment, bobbi doesn't say anything. she does give him a high five, of course, lips curling into a smile even as she has to suppress the urge to end it by curling her fingers around his, by holding his hand.
in zerzura, she would have.
that's what makes the next word out of her mouth feel almost dangerous. ]
[ bobbi spends a little while picking a movie, searching through the local netflix equivalent until she settles on something that looks like a space opera.
she likes star wars a lot. hopefully this'll be a bit like that. ]
I haven't seen this one yet, so don't blame me if it's awful.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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not here. not anymore. ]
You couldn't help it any more than I could.
[ either they're both to blame, or neither one of them is. ]
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[ he rubs a hand across his face and then back through his hair before sighing. ]
My dream, my fault. [ something about his dream and that particular dream had made it so she got pulled in with him. ] I ended up here pretty soon after that happened. Probably for the best because I was not — doing good there. After that.
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[ bobbi shakes her head. he isn't. he wouldn't blame her if their positions were reversed. ]
Is it easier, being here? [ the distance, maybe? ]
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[ he thinks about it for a second before he shakes his head. ]
There's a lot of good things here. A lot of good people. But I hate the question marks. The act of not knowing where she is and if she's okay and if she'll even remember me is a killer. It's awful.
[ and there's nothing he can do to change it either. ]
I hate that I don't know.
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[ sometimes, one has to be cruel to be kind. sometimes, it's just cruelty. bobbi would like to think that she knows where the boundaries lie, but she isn't so sure right now. ]
There's no guarantee you'd know any of the answers or be able to find out if you were home.
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Yeah. I know.
[ there's a possibility that he'll never see his daughter again and he knows it. but he hasn't made peace with it. ]
I'm trying not to think of that, though. I don't know if I can deal with it.
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[ for saying it. for the entire situation. for not being able to help.
she wants to reach out and touch him, comfort him, help. she doesn't think she can, not really. she's not sure the touch would be welcome, either.
not given what she knows now. ]
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[ to accept that he wouldn't see her. ]
It's not like I haven't thought about it. I have. I've thought about it a lot but I just keep...hoping things will be better. And I'll get a chance.
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[ even if it means he'll leave again. even if she'll miss him so much more this time around than she had the last time he'd left. ]
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[ just because he wants to be better than his own father. just because he wants to know her at least a little. ]
But, if it doesn't happen, I'll learn to live with it. This place...isn't that bad when it's not trying to kill me.
[ that part had been pretty bad. ]
I hope you get to go back too, you know.
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[ right now, the thought of leaving feels like relief and leaves a bitter taste at the back of her throat all at once.
she wants to go home — but what will she have to leave behind? she's already lost a life of memories, a family, what-could-have-beens. ]
Here's hoping we make it somehow. All of us, safely.
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[ he's pretty sure he's going to end up dying at least once before his time here is up (if it's ever up). it's a cold comfort to know it won't be permanent. ]
And if we don't, here's hoping this place doesn't become too unbearable.
[ he pauses and snickers. ] Feels like I should be lifting a glass of something alcoholic when I say that.
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[ both of those things. it is optimistic — but some of it is also in their hands. not what this place throws at them, but how they react to it. whether they focus on the good or the bad. whether they create more good or more bad. ]
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I would love to just...close my eyes and not dream about anything for once in my life. It's always something. You just happened to see that one.
[ sometimes it was the plane. sometimes it was gus dying. sometimes it was nearly dying himself so many times. lorna leaving, july fifteenth, and so many other greatest hits. ]
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[ there's some hesitation in the suggestion, her lips pressing together. this, she's genuinely unsure about — would it even work? would it make a difference at all?
would he want it? ]
To help with that. Maybe.
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[ was she going to knock him out? no, he knows she's not but it's a thought that runs through his head and makes him laugh anyway. ]
What is? I mean, what would you try?
[ he's open to it, at least. ]
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[ she's not going to knock him out. although she could. ]
No idea if telling you that you're calm and relaxed just before you go to sleep would help, but it might.
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[ probably wouldn't cause a bruise like knocking him out would either. win win. ]
All right. Do I have to do anything?
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[ a beat. it's not quite bed-time yet, is it? ]
You want to try right now?
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[ not that he'd be opposed to a nap but better not. didn't want to ruin anything and go to sleep too early and just totally kill his schedule. ]
No, we can wait. I'll just...come and find you later. Or whatever works for you. Not sure what you're up to today.
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[ her lips pull into a quick smile. ]
I wasn't planning on going out tonight, so I'll be here.
[ the advantages of sharing an apartment. ]
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[ maybe he should do some overtime at work to make sure they didn't boot him but he's tired. ]
Yay for us.
[ he's tired enough that he even raises his hand for a high five for no plans. ]
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in zerzura, she would have.
that's what makes the next word out of her mouth feel almost dangerous. ]
Movie?
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[ movie sounded good. he tucks himself a little more comfortably against the couch and nods. ]
You choose this time.
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she likes star wars a lot. hopefully this'll be a bit like that. ]
I haven't seen this one yet, so don't blame me if it's awful.
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