Few years now. I was doing something different for awhile before all this.
[ the cartel part of his life hadn't been that long ago, he realizes. and he'd still been so easily pulled back into that life when carmen came a calling. ]
It's how I met Lorna. [ he shrugs. ] How I lost it all too, I guess.
[ he'd lost everything and then ended up in new amsterdam like that world knew he had nothing else to give here. ]
[ he lost lorna and dawn — and then he had another family and had that pulled from him when the illusion came apart, too.
bobbi hasn't lost things like that. she nearly lost shield, realised that the organisation she'd been fighting for for so long had been infiltrated from nearly the start by those she'd fought against, had been perverted and twisted.
she lost a husband. she's lost friends and brothers and sisters in arms — but she's always had support, too.
she doesn't like seeing him hopeless. ]
For what it's worth [ the words are quiet. ] You're not alone, now.
[ no, he's not alone right now but this memory — this dream — just reminds him that he's only a few steps away from losing it all again. the nature of new amsterdam made that a guarantee. ]
It's hard to not feel that way sometimes. I know I'm...not, not really, but it's not easy to convince myself of that.
[ he knows people care about him but it's difficult to not see that as temporary after everything. he tries but it's hard. ]
[ it's something she knows better than him. she'd even seen him leave once before and now he was back and she was here, enfolded into one of his nightmares that showed no sign of giving up. how did he get them out of this? he hates being here.
he has two memories of his daughter and this room holds one of them. he sighs and leans forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and holds his face in his hands, tired and sad and angry but not at her. she was here and she was trying and he owes her so much. ]
I'm just so used to it happening that I'm expecting it.
[ he doesn't owe her anything and she doesn't want him feeling obliged.
people leave — and maybe that's just life. maybe the trick is to take the good moments so that the bad don't hurt as much. bobbi would like to think that she's good at that, but it doesn't always work.
sometimes, she gets tired, too.
she thinks if she were in his shoes, she'd be really tired — in general and in this moment, right now. ]
Why don't you close your eyes for a bit?
[ sleep doesn't really solve anything, especially not when there are nightmares — but sometimes, it's what gives enough strength to face another day. ]
[ a good idea. he's only hesitant because what if he closes his eyes and he wakes up in another nightmare like this. if he has to watch lorna take down that plane or watch himself get pulled back into the cartel life.
but he's tired and he doesn't want to face this place anymore. so, he leans back against the couch and, head propped up against a cushion and closes his eyes.
it doesn't take long for him to nod off, arms slack and legs stretched out in front of him. when he's sleeping, he doesn't feel dawn's loss as acutely. it's there but it's muted.
[ he falls asleep, even inside his dream — and bobbi stays and watches over him and eventually, her eyes drift closed as well and she fades from this dream, slides into another one that is hers alone and that she won't remember at all in the morning. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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in the end, she settles down next to him. he did gesture, after all. ]
How long have you been fighting?
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[ the cartel part of his life hadn't been that long ago, he realizes. and he'd still been so easily pulled back into that life when carmen came a calling. ]
It's how I met Lorna. [ he shrugs. ] How I lost it all too, I guess.
[ he'd lost everything and then ended up in new amsterdam like that world knew he had nothing else to give here. ]
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[ he lost lorna and dawn — and then he had another family and had that pulled from him when the illusion came apart, too.
bobbi hasn't lost things like that. she nearly lost shield, realised that the organisation she'd been fighting for for so long had been infiltrated from nearly the start by those she'd fought against, had been perverted and twisted.
she lost a husband. she's lost friends and brothers and sisters in arms — but she's always had support, too.
she doesn't like seeing him hopeless. ]
For what it's worth [ the words are quiet. ] You're not alone, now.
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[ no, he's not alone right now but this memory — this dream — just reminds him that he's only a few steps away from losing it all again. the nature of new amsterdam made that a guarantee. ]
It's hard to not feel that way sometimes. I know I'm...not, not really, but it's not easy to convince myself of that.
[ he knows people care about him but it's difficult to not see that as temporary after everything. he tries but it's hard. ]
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[ fitz, peggy, dick — people bobbi knew from home, people she'd gotten to know here. they left and she can only hope that they're back home.
there's no telling when someone will leave, where they'll go.
in new amsterdam, at least, there's hope that they're back in their own worlds instead of dead. for the rest, it isn't all that different. ]
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[ it's something she knows better than him. she'd even seen him leave once before and now he was back and she was here, enfolded into one of his nightmares that showed no sign of giving up. how did he get them out of this? he hates being here.
he has two memories of his daughter and this room holds one of them. he sighs and leans forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and holds his face in his hands, tired and sad and angry but not at her. she was here and she was trying and he owes her so much. ]
I'm just so used to it happening that I'm expecting it.
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people leave — and maybe that's just life. maybe the trick is to take the good moments so that the bad don't hurt as much. bobbi would like to think that she's good at that, but it doesn't always work.
sometimes, she gets tired, too.
she thinks if she were in his shoes, she'd be really tired — in general and in this moment, right now. ]
Why don't you close your eyes for a bit?
[ sleep doesn't really solve anything, especially not when there are nightmares — but sometimes, it's what gives enough strength to face another day. ]
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[ a good idea. he's only hesitant because what if he closes his eyes and he wakes up in another nightmare like this. if he has to watch lorna take down that plane or watch himself get pulled back into the cartel life.
but he's tired and he doesn't want to face this place anymore. so, he leans back against the couch and, head propped up against a cushion and closes his eyes.
it doesn't take long for him to nod off, arms slack and legs stretched out in front of him. when he's sleeping, he doesn't feel dawn's loss as acutely. it's there but it's muted.
he can deal with it for now. ]
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