[ another word was confusing. another word was chaotic. he swallows and gives his glass a wiggle, watching the liquid slosh back and forth before he sighs and shakes his head. ]
It's weird. [ the words are low but the agreement is sincere. ] I'm —
[ he doesn't know exactly what to say. he wants to apologize but it hadn't been his fault. he hadn't caused that fantasy land to fold them both into it. they'd been in love, been married, had a kid, had a family.
his fingers twitch almost with the want of reaching across to her and tangling his fingers with hers. this is...this is hard. ]
I'm not sure what to do. [ that was complete and utter honesty. ]
[ she sees the way his fingers twitch and bobbi's good enough at reading people that she can guess at the reason. admittedly, it's not just because she's good at reading people; there's also the fact that she has to stop herself from leaning into his space, from curling against him.
the fact that they'd curled up together on this very couch before everything that happened in zerzura, the fact that she remembers kissing him under the mistletoe as much as she remembers kissing him over and over again in the home they'd shared, husband and wife, that doesn't make this easier. there's warmth in her cheeks that she thinks the darkness will hide. she's glad for that, at least. ]
Yeah, same.
[ that, at least, is easy to admit.
she swallows. he hadn't caused the fantasy to enfold them. she hadn't, either. now the fantasy is broken, but they both still have all those memories of loving each other, of having chosen each other. ]
You're not -
[ no, let her start over. ]
You don't owe me anything.
[ she's not sure if he'd think that he would, unconsciously if not consciously, but even if he doesn't, it deserves being said out loud. they don't owe each other anything just because they were married in zerzura. she has no claim on him and he has no claim on her.
not unless they want that. not unless they make that choice again. ]
[ he realizes he's going to need to specify what he means by that considering the amount of questions and confusion between them. he rubs a hand against his chin, against his beard before clarifying: ]
Did you want a life like that, I mean? [ because he knows it's something he'd wanted for a long, long time. he'd thought he'd get it with lorna when she'd gotten pregnant but then she'd taken dawn away and she'd taken herself away too.
that hadn't dimmed his want for a life like that. he'd wanted nothing more than to live a quiet life with someone he loved and being a better father than his own father. ]
You don't owe me anything either. [ they'd been together in zerzura. they were...they were something here. ] I'm not sure what you're supposed to do with all this.
[ they'd been well on their way to close friends, here, bobbi thinks. she doesn't want to lose that because of zerzura. that's the only thing she's reasonably sure of. everything else is a jumbled mess, too many emotions pulling in too many different directions. ]
I used to be married. [ she says after a moment, looking down at her glass before looking back at marcos. ] We got divorced for a lot of reasons, but that I lie for a living was a big one.
[ not just that she lies for a living, but that she manipulates people and situations. that she'd lied to hunter, too. that it had all been for the greater good hadn't mattered, or hadn't mattered enough to make a difference.
it's not a direct answer to his question, but in a way, it is. she'd wanted what they had. part of her still wants it, especially now that she knows what it could have been like, could have felt like. (probably, she should have known it was an illusion. no real relationship could be that smooth, for all that she remembers the two of them fighting, too, that stable — certainly not if one party is a professional liar and the other knows it.)
to have a partner, to have someone who doesn't judge her for what she dies — that's something she wants. it isn't something she thinks she can have, not really.
bobbi lifts her shoulders in a little shrug, helplessly (and letting him see it). ] Did you?
[ she doesn't know what she's supposed to do with all this, either. what he's supposed to do with it. if there's anything to be done other than just moving forward. ]
My father turned me out when I was thirteen. Just...kicked me onto the streets of Colombia because I'm a mutant. He thought it meant I was touched by the devil or that I was the devil. I don't know.
[ he thinks he should tell her about dawn. about the daughter left behind, taken from him too soon, about the void that left behind but he doesn't know if he can do that and maintain composure after what they'd just come out of. ]
I did a lot of bad stuff to survive but even when I was doing that, I was still trying to help families stay together, to hide, to move especially if they were like me because I didn't want anyone else to be like me.
[ to be alone and desolate. to not know where your next meal was coming from or where you were going to sleep that night. he'd wanted to help families because he was certain he couldn't have one of his own. ] But, I guess I never really stopped wanting something like that for myself. The family I didn't have, people who — cared.
[ loved, he'd almost said. ] I just wanted a chance.
[ he talks — and bobbi wants nothing more than to reach out, to take his hand and squeeze. before zerzura, before all this, she would have done it without a second thought.
now, even just the idea of it feels dangerous. feels like it could be too much. and still, not offering some form of comfort feels wrong, too. for a moment, bobbi (who prides herself in being decisive and swift in her actions) is frozen by indecision. ]
I'm sorry.
[ she reaches out to touch his wrist, in the end, squeezing it briefly before letting to again. a compromise of sorts, but the touch still feels — more, somehow. more meaningful. maybe it's a question of awareness. before, touching him would have been more of an unthinking thing, now it's fraught with meaning, heavy with it.
[ it hadn't just been ripped away from him. their life, their happiness, their family, had been taken away at the whim of that place. they'd been enfolded into it and then, when that place had been done with them, they'd been forced out. he was hurting but he knows he's not alone.
he blows out a long, strained breath and presses the heel of his hand against his eyes. he hasn't been sleeping well and he doubts she has either. or anyone who dealt with that shit. ]
I'm sorry that your husband — ex husband — wasn't comfortable with what you did. Do. I know a few things about doing a job that's dangerous and that sometimes means you keep things from the ones you love. It's not easy. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't be...cared for any less.
[ he doesn't know much about her former relationship but he does know her (especially now) and she deserved someone who would support her through it all. ]
[ it's easier for her to focus on him than it is to admit that she lost something, too. she lost a relationship that was as close to ideal as it gets, a husband who supported her despite knowing who she is and what she does. someone who trusted her because he knew the person she is.
(she also lost her life, in the end, but she's here, so did she really die?) ]
Thank you. [ she has to clear her throat before she can say as much. ] For saying that.
[ for having been there, at least in their fantasy.
she wouldn't presume that he'd be as forgiving in reality, irrespective of the fact that she wouldn't presume that they'd ever be in a relationship in reality.
it's not the sort of thing anyone should be presumptuous about.
bobbi reaches for her drink again, taking another sip. ]
[ it feels like the least he could do. it feels like he's doing nothing at all. they're still talking in stilted, strained sentences and things still feel tense. he watches her take a drink and looks down at his hands, picking at a nail on one finger just for something to do.
he lets the silence lengthen until it's uncomfortable, until it's heavy and suffocating. another burden for two people who were already shouldering a lot. marcos rubs a hand against the back of his neck, feeling at a loss. ]
Is this working? [ talking about it. are they doing it wrong? does it feel better to her? ] I don't — what are we doing wrong that it feels so hard still?
it really isn't funny. none of this is funny and it's actually awful, but at least she's not the only one feeling awkward. at least she's not the only one feeling — like the ground isn't quite solid. ]
I don't think we're doing anything wrong.
[ she forces herself to look at this as she would any other situation, to analyse it, the emotion involved. to consider all the angles and how she could manipulate things toward a particular outcome.
she still doesn't know what outcome she'd want, so as an exercise in taking control of this, it's useless — but at least it gives her some perspective. ]
It's -
We were married. [ and not the kind of marriage that meant sharing a name but having separate bedrooms but a solid and strong one — but she doesn't need to tell him that. he was there. he already knows. ]
And now we're not and we know that it wasn't - real. It still happened to us, though. I think it's going to be hard for a while.
[ she shakes her head a little, all laughter long faded, running a hand through her hair. ]
It wasn't really long enough to form habits, was it? But it feels like it was. [ it takes effort, now, not to lean into his space, not to kiss him.
it's so strange, looking at him and knowing what it's like to kiss him, what it feels like when he holds her, what it's like to wake up next to him. what it's like to share a life with him.
and to know that that's not their reality anymore. ]
It wasn't real but it felt real. I remember. [ he remember some things more sharply than others but he still remembers. he can look at her and know things he hadn't known before this had all happened. and some of things he forces himself not to think about because it's going to make him react in ways that aren't really right for this conversation. ]
There's...a lifetime of things in my head that I know aren't real but I still remember them like they are. [ and they both had to live with that, cope with that, deal with what it meant for the two of them. he bows his head, shoulders slouching for a second. ]
We were married. [ and it had been good. it had been a good, good marriage. ] And we did...things married people do.
[ he was just going to address that since it was one of the many things they'd have to face and deal with when it came to this. ]
Are you uncomfortable around me? [ might as well ask. ]
[ she remembers their life together. not every detail, some things more than others — but she remembers wearing a white dress and saying i do. she remembers meeting him in a bar and falling in love with him. she remembers knowing that he could break her heart and telling him what she does, who she is at her core, anyway.
she remembers him accepting her. she remembers kisses and making love and evenings curled up together and fights and a million small moments of everyday life, significant in their insignificance.
she remembers bringing their daughter home for the first time. watching their girl grow into a teenager.
she remembers loving him more than anything, anyone else except silena.
it had been so good. ]
Not because of anything we did.
[ it had been good and she's not uncomfortable because they had sex (made love, really, and somehow that's both better and so much worse) or kissed or anything.
her lips twist a little, not quite a smile but close enough. ]
I'm a little uncomfortable not knowing who I should be around you. I'm not your wife — but I was. We're not together, but we were. Where are the lines now?
[ because if he closes his eyes, he can imagine them back on their couch, in their home, living their life. he can go back to that reality even though it's gone and, as far as he knows, it's gone for good. he blows out a breath, scratching a hand through his beard and trying to figure out how to answer the question. ]
I don't know if I know the answer either. I have the same question. I'm not your husband but I was. We had a life together but our lives are...different here.
[ they still had a relationship but they hadn't had a chance to build it past friendship in this reality. and yet, he could remember a deeper, more personal relationship despite knowing that it wasn't them (but it was).
the whole thing was very, very confusing. ]
We should probably figure something out considering — [ they lived together. they couldn't really avoid each other like they'd been doing and besides, it sucked to do that. he hated it. she was his friends, still, no matter what and he didn't want to lose that. ]
[ it wasn't real, but it still happened to them and so they can't just go on like it never did. that's the crux of the problem, isn't it; that's what makes things so fraught and fragile between them now. ]
I don't know, either. I could make something up and make you believe that I believe it, but -
[ it would be a lie. he knows that she lies for a living, but she doesn't want to lie to him. not about this, not about them. not if she can help it.
(she would lie to him in a heartbeat if she thought it was for the greater good.)
bobbi downs the rest of her drink, laughing a little to herself. it's an almost embarrassed sound and what comes next is an admission she probably shouldn't be making. ]
I keep thinking about kissing you. About making that frown disappear. [ she knows she could. she knows that she knows just how to take his breath away, how to make him feel good, how to distract him.
there are so many boundaries she'd be crossing. before zerzura, that was't who they were. (they'd kissed under the mistletoe, they'd cuddled, but they'd been friends. maybe they would have eventually grown to be more. maybe they wouldn't have.
they'll never find out now what would have happened. ]
[ it's not a surprising answer, really, because he's been thinking similar things throughout this whole conversation because that's what his mind thinks he should be thinking and doing. ]
I'm sure you know how to do that. [ now. ] But, I don't know if that would really solve anything right now.
[ marcos is beginning to think they're not going to resolve anything right here and right now. it's good to open lines of communication but this is a big, difficult, breakable thing. it involves two people with emotions who felt a lot more than they let on. ]
Besides taking my frown away, that is. [ he laughs dryly before reaching for the bottle again and pouring another half glass. ]
But yeah, you could make something up. [ he nods, looking down into the drink. ] I don't think you will, though. Haven't we had enough of the not real?
[ he pours himself another half glass and bobbi holds out hers to him, silently asking for a refill as well. they shouldn't drink too much because this is breakable, but it helps a little. it makes things feel temporarily less fragile.
that's something, even if it isn't entirely real. ]
I ruined it by telling you I could, anyway.
[ that's not entirely true; she could still manage it. but he's right: she won't. they've had more than enough things that weren't quite real lately — an entire lifetime of it.
she won't kiss him, either. he'll have to keep wearing his frown and she'll have to keep looking at it and pushing down the urge to lift a hand to smooth out his brows, to close the distance and kiss him until he's smiling.
it wouldn't solve anything and they're not going to be able to talk about it once and have it magically be all right or like it never happened, like the ground between their feet is suddenly solid.
but at least they're not pretending it didn't happen anymore. at least they're not ignoring and avoiding each other anymore. ]
I don't know where we go from here, but we don't have to decide right now, either. Maybe we can just - wait and see.
[ how they feel tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. how this develops. if the feelings fade.
(this feels a little like getting divorced all over again. it's moving from a relationship to no relationship, from knowing where she stands to having to relearn it without him.
You did. And I remember a few of your tells. [ not that she had many and not that she couldn't hide those if she wanted to. she was a damn good spy and if she didn't want him to know she was lying or manipulating a situation, he wouldn't know.
he was just lucky that the lying and the manipulation had gotten less and less where he was concerned. she still did her job but he'd learned now to ask too much and she didn't have to lie to him. ]
Wait and see. [ he wishes they'd have been able to find a resolution right here and now. something that was easy, something that didn't hurt, something that didn't leave them with a distance between them.
he knows he's going to go to sleep tonight and wonder where she is. he's going to wake up and feel alone. he's going to want to talk to her about various things and he's going to have to tell himself that was another life.
he sighs. ]
I guess that's the best possible plan of action. We can't force anything. We can just — we can just be around each other and hope it's not too hard for too long.
[ she wishes it was as easy as talking about it once, too, but emotions rarely work that way and hers are all over the place at the moment. she's pretty sure his are, too.
he sighs, and bobbi bows her head and forces herself not to do the same thing. ]
Yeah. Guess that's the best we can try for.
[ she almost wishes they could be less mature about this. she almost wishes they could keep pretending. but would he even want to? would she?
this is not the sort of thing they can just play at if they're not sure — and bobbi isn't sure of much right now.
after a while (and another long sip of the drink): ]
What happened to you, in the end? [ after they'd both woken up from the fantasy. before their return to new amsterdam. ]
I... [ he sighs and rubs the back of his head. they're being mature now but he has to admit that he wasn't mature then. after realizing what happened, he'd slipped out and walked.
a lot. it hadn't done much to help but it had given him some space to breathe and think and try to work out a plan of action. marcos hadn't really been successful but he hadn't known what else to do. he was wading in unknown waters.
he's pretty sure they both are. she might have been married and he'd had long relationships but nothing like this. ]
I walked mostly. I ran into Silena. [ he quiets on that name and looks down again. ] She, uh, still thought I was her dad. She hadn't come out of it yet.
[ which hadn't been easy to deal with. he'd played along and he's still not sure if that had been the right thing to do. ]
[ bobbi swallows, closing her eyes for a moment. things are simpler and more complicated with silena all at once. it wasn't a physical relationship like the one with marcos, a different kind of relationship entirely — but equally fictitious. ]
Since I woke up. [ she wonders if she should find her. reach out to her somehow. actually, she knows she should.
she just hasn't found the right words yet. ]
I ended up going for the spear.
[ does he know what that means? she doesn't want to just say i died. she doesn't regret it, but it still feels like saying it out loud would make it more real, somehow. she's alive now. ]
[ he knows what that means and it's probably obvious by the way he leans forward and braces his elbows on his knees, rubbing at his face as this knew information sinks in. he knows what that means because she's not the only one to tell him that and he knows what happened to those that tried for that godforsaken spear. ]
Did you die? [ his voice is solid, steady, but quiet. his eyes are down on his feet, trying to focus on something to keep him in place. he knows what the answer's going to be but he hopes against hope that maybe he's wrong. ]
[ bobbi lets herself down the rest of her drink. that's probably answer enough in itself, but she still nods, confirming, ]
Yeah.
[ she died.
she died hoping that it would save others, that it would save lives. she died because she swore an oath to be the shield, to protect those who can't protect themselves. she died because for all that zerzura manipulated them, pulled their strings, there were civilians there, too. it wasn't their fault.
she doesn't regret it, but that doesn't mean she's been able to just shrug it off. she pours herself a refill. ]
[ it doesn't matter that she's alive right now. the fact that she still died. her heart had still stopped and she, along with so many others, had died without knowing what would happen. they probably thought they would die and that would be it. they'd be dead and life would go on without them. people would mourn, people would grieve but time would heal wounds.
except it hadn't happened that way. ]
Are you okay? [ he doesn't know what else to ask. she'd died. how could someone be okay after they died? ]
[ how does she answer that? in the end, she shrugs, shoulders curving forward a little. ]
I don't regret it.
[ that's not an answer to his question, but it's something, surely? it matters to her. she made her choice. ]
I will be, I think.
[ not right now. right now, she's still trying to make sense of all of it — of what she felt, feels for marcos, of her feelings about death and dying, about her own choices. ]
[ he blows out a long breath before sitting back and looking back over at her. she's not hiding much right now, which he thinks has to be because of both exhaustion and possibly him, but whatever the reason, he's grateful. he wants to see the real emotions right now. ]
I'm sorry.
[ for not being there, for not being able to help more, for not knowing how it felt to die so he could sympathize. all he can do is sit there and watch her and talk and think about reaching across to take her hand. ]
If I can help, I will. [ even with things fragile between them, he can't not offer. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ another word was confusing. another word was chaotic. he swallows and gives his glass a wiggle, watching the liquid slosh back and forth before he sighs and shakes his head. ]
It's weird. [ the words are low but the agreement is sincere. ] I'm —
[ he doesn't know exactly what to say. he wants to apologize but it hadn't been his fault. he hadn't caused that fantasy land to fold them both into it. they'd been in love, been married, had a kid, had a family.
his fingers twitch almost with the want of reaching across to her and tangling his fingers with hers. this is...this is hard. ]
I'm not sure what to do. [ that was complete and utter honesty. ]
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the fact that they'd curled up together on this very couch before everything that happened in zerzura, the fact that she remembers kissing him under the mistletoe as much as she remembers kissing him over and over again in the home they'd shared, husband and wife, that doesn't make this easier. there's warmth in her cheeks that she thinks the darkness will hide. she's glad for that, at least. ]
Yeah, same.
[ that, at least, is easy to admit.
she swallows. he hadn't caused the fantasy to enfold them. she hadn't, either. now the fantasy is broken, but they both still have all those memories of loving each other, of having chosen each other. ]
You're not -
[ no, let her start over. ]
You don't owe me anything.
[ she's not sure if he'd think that he would, unconsciously if not consciously, but even if he doesn't, it deserves being said out loud. they don't owe each other anything just because they were married in zerzura. she has no claim on him and he has no claim on her.
not unless they want that. not unless they make that choice again. ]
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[ he realizes he's going to need to specify what he means by that considering the amount of questions and confusion between them. he rubs a hand against his chin, against his beard before clarifying: ]
Did you want a life like that, I mean? [ because he knows it's something he'd wanted for a long, long time. he'd thought he'd get it with lorna when she'd gotten pregnant but then she'd taken dawn away and she'd taken herself away too.
that hadn't dimmed his want for a life like that. he'd wanted nothing more than to live a quiet life with someone he loved and being a better father than his own father. ]
You don't owe me anything either. [ they'd been together in zerzura. they were...they were something here. ] I'm not sure what you're supposed to do with all this.
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I used to be married. [ she says after a moment, looking down at her glass before looking back at marcos. ] We got divorced for a lot of reasons, but that I lie for a living was a big one.
[ not just that she lies for a living, but that she manipulates people and situations. that she'd lied to hunter, too. that it had all been for the greater good hadn't mattered, or hadn't mattered enough to make a difference.
it's not a direct answer to his question, but in a way, it is. she'd wanted what they had. part of her still wants it, especially now that she knows what it could have been like, could have felt like. (probably, she should have known it was an illusion. no real relationship could be that smooth, for all that she remembers the two of them fighting, too, that stable — certainly not if one party is a professional liar and the other knows it.)
to have a partner, to have someone who doesn't judge her for what she dies — that's something she wants. it isn't something she thinks she can have, not really.
bobbi lifts her shoulders in a little shrug, helplessly (and letting him see it). ] Did you?
[ she doesn't know what she's supposed to do with all this, either. what he's supposed to do with it. if there's anything to be done other than just moving forward. ]
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[ he thinks he should tell her about dawn. about the daughter left behind, taken from him too soon, about the void that left behind but he doesn't know if he can do that and maintain composure after what they'd just come out of. ]
I did a lot of bad stuff to survive but even when I was doing that, I was still trying to help families stay together, to hide, to move especially if they were like me because I didn't want anyone else to be like me.
[ to be alone and desolate. to not know where your next meal was coming from or where you were going to sleep that night. he'd wanted to help families because he was certain he couldn't have one of his own. ] But, I guess I never really stopped wanting something like that for myself. The family I didn't have, people who — cared.
[ loved, he'd almost said. ] I just wanted a chance.
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now, even just the idea of it feels dangerous. feels like it could be too much. and still, not offering some form of comfort feels wrong, too. for a moment, bobbi (who prides herself in being decisive and swift in her actions) is frozen by indecision. ]
I'm sorry.
[ she reaches out to touch his wrist, in the end, squeezing it briefly before letting to again. a compromise of sorts, but the touch still feels — more, somehow. more meaningful. maybe it's a question of awareness. before, touching him would have been more of an unthinking thing, now it's fraught with meaning, heavy with it.
she drags in a breath, letting it out slowly. ]
No child should have to go through that.
[ but more recently — ]
And I'm sorry it got taken from you.
[ from them, really. ]
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[ it hadn't just been ripped away from him. their life, their happiness, their family, had been taken away at the whim of that place. they'd been enfolded into it and then, when that place had been done with them, they'd been forced out. he was hurting but he knows he's not alone.
he blows out a long, strained breath and presses the heel of his hand against his eyes. he hasn't been sleeping well and he doubts she has either. or anyone who dealt with that shit. ]
I'm sorry that your husband — ex husband — wasn't comfortable with what you did. Do. I know a few things about doing a job that's dangerous and that sometimes means you keep things from the ones you love. It's not easy. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't be...cared for any less.
[ he doesn't know much about her former relationship but he does know her (especially now) and she deserved someone who would support her through it all. ]
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[ it's easier for her to focus on him than it is to admit that she lost something, too. she lost a relationship that was as close to ideal as it gets, a husband who supported her despite knowing who she is and what she does. someone who trusted her because he knew the person she is.
(she also lost her life, in the end, but she's here, so did she really die?) ]
Thank you. [ she has to clear her throat before she can say as much. ] For saying that.
[ for having been there, at least in their fantasy.
she wouldn't presume that he'd be as forgiving in reality, irrespective of the fact that she wouldn't presume that they'd ever be in a relationship in reality.
it's not the sort of thing anyone should be presumptuous about.
bobbi reaches for her drink again, taking another sip. ]
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[ it feels like the least he could do. it feels like he's doing nothing at all. they're still talking in stilted, strained sentences and things still feel tense. he watches her take a drink and looks down at his hands, picking at a nail on one finger just for something to do.
he lets the silence lengthen until it's uncomfortable, until it's heavy and suffocating. another burden for two people who were already shouldering a lot. marcos rubs a hand against the back of his neck, feeling at a loss. ]
Is this working? [ talking about it. are they doing it wrong? does it feel better to her? ] I don't — what are we doing wrong that it feels so hard still?
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it really isn't funny. none of this is funny and it's actually awful, but at least she's not the only one feeling awkward. at least she's not the only one feeling — like the ground isn't quite solid. ]
I don't think we're doing anything wrong.
[ she forces herself to look at this as she would any other situation, to analyse it, the emotion involved. to consider all the angles and how she could manipulate things toward a particular outcome.
she still doesn't know what outcome she'd want, so as an exercise in taking control of this, it's useless — but at least it gives her some perspective. ]
It's -
We were married. [ and not the kind of marriage that meant sharing a name but having separate bedrooms but a solid and strong one — but she doesn't need to tell him that. he was there. he already knows. ]
And now we're not and we know that it wasn't - real. It still happened to us, though. I think it's going to be hard for a while.
[ she shakes her head a little, all laughter long faded, running a hand through her hair. ]
It wasn't really long enough to form habits, was it? But it feels like it was. [ it takes effort, now, not to lean into his space, not to kiss him.
it's so strange, looking at him and knowing what it's like to kiss him, what it feels like when he holds her, what it's like to wake up next to him. what it's like to share a life with him.
and to know that that's not their reality anymore. ]
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There's...a lifetime of things in my head that I know aren't real but I still remember them like they are. [ and they both had to live with that, cope with that, deal with what it meant for the two of them. he bows his head, shoulders slouching for a second. ]
We were married. [ and it had been good. it had been a good, good marriage. ] And we did...things married people do.
[ he was just going to address that since it was one of the many things they'd have to face and deal with when it came to this. ]
Are you uncomfortable around me? [ might as well ask. ]
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[ she remembers their life together. not every detail, some things more than others — but she remembers wearing a white dress and saying i do. she remembers meeting him in a bar and falling in love with him. she remembers knowing that he could break her heart and telling him what she does, who she is at her core, anyway.
she remembers him accepting her. she remembers kisses and making love and evenings curled up together and fights and a million small moments of everyday life, significant in their insignificance.
she remembers bringing their daughter home for the first time. watching their girl grow into a teenager.
she remembers loving him more than anything, anyone else except silena.
it had been so good. ]
Not because of anything we did.
[ it had been good and she's not uncomfortable because they had sex (made love, really, and somehow that's both better and so much worse) or kissed or anything.
her lips twist a little, not quite a smile but close enough. ]
I'm a little uncomfortable not knowing who I should be around you. I'm not your wife — but I was. We're not together, but we were. Where are the lines now?
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[ because if he closes his eyes, he can imagine them back on their couch, in their home, living their life. he can go back to that reality even though it's gone and, as far as he knows, it's gone for good. he blows out a breath, scratching a hand through his beard and trying to figure out how to answer the question. ]
I don't know if I know the answer either. I have the same question. I'm not your husband but I was. We had a life together but our lives are...different here.
[ they still had a relationship but they hadn't had a chance to build it past friendship in this reality. and yet, he could remember a deeper, more personal relationship despite knowing that it wasn't them (but it was).
the whole thing was very, very confusing. ]
We should probably figure something out considering — [ they lived together. they couldn't really avoid each other like they'd been doing and besides, it sucked to do that. he hated it. she was his friends, still, no matter what and he didn't want to lose that. ]
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I don't know, either. I could make something up and make you believe that I believe it, but -
[ it would be a lie. he knows that she lies for a living, but she doesn't want to lie to him. not about this, not about them. not if she can help it.
(she would lie to him in a heartbeat if she thought it was for the greater good.)
bobbi downs the rest of her drink, laughing a little to herself. it's an almost embarrassed sound and what comes next is an admission she probably shouldn't be making. ]
I keep thinking about kissing you. About making that frown disappear. [ she knows she could. she knows that she knows just how to take his breath away, how to make him feel good, how to distract him.
there are so many boundaries she'd be crossing. before zerzura, that was't who they were. (they'd kissed under the mistletoe, they'd cuddled, but they'd been friends. maybe they would have eventually grown to be more. maybe they wouldn't have.
they'll never find out now what would have happened. ]
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I'm sure you know how to do that. [ now. ] But, I don't know if that would really solve anything right now.
[ marcos is beginning to think they're not going to resolve anything right here and right now. it's good to open lines of communication but this is a big, difficult, breakable thing. it involves two people with emotions who felt a lot more than they let on. ]
Besides taking my frown away, that is. [ he laughs dryly before reaching for the bottle again and pouring another half glass. ]
But yeah, you could make something up. [ he nods, looking down into the drink. ] I don't think you will, though. Haven't we had enough of the not real?
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that's something, even if it isn't entirely real. ]
I ruined it by telling you I could, anyway.
[ that's not entirely true; she could still manage it. but he's right: she won't. they've had more than enough things that weren't quite real lately — an entire lifetime of it.
she won't kiss him, either. he'll have to keep wearing his frown and she'll have to keep looking at it and pushing down the urge to lift a hand to smooth out his brows, to close the distance and kiss him until he's smiling.
it wouldn't solve anything and they're not going to be able to talk about it once and have it magically be all right or like it never happened, like the ground between their feet is suddenly solid.
but at least they're not pretending it didn't happen anymore. at least they're not ignoring and avoiding each other anymore. ]
I don't know where we go from here, but we don't have to decide right now, either. Maybe we can just - wait and see.
[ how they feel tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. how this develops. if the feelings fade.
(this feels a little like getting divorced all over again. it's moving from a relationship to no relationship, from knowing where she stands to having to relearn it without him.
she's managed it before.) ]
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he was just lucky that the lying and the manipulation had gotten less and less where he was concerned. she still did her job but he'd learned now to ask too much and she didn't have to lie to him. ]
Wait and see. [ he wishes they'd have been able to find a resolution right here and now. something that was easy, something that didn't hurt, something that didn't leave them with a distance between them.
he knows he's going to go to sleep tonight and wonder where she is. he's going to wake up and feel alone. he's going to want to talk to her about various things and he's going to have to tell himself that was another life.
he sighs. ]
I guess that's the best possible plan of action. We can't force anything. We can just — we can just be around each other and hope it's not too hard for too long.
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he sighs, and bobbi bows her head and forces herself not to do the same thing. ]
Yeah. Guess that's the best we can try for.
[ she almost wishes they could be less mature about this. she almost wishes they could keep pretending. but would he even want to? would she?
this is not the sort of thing they can just play at if they're not sure — and bobbi isn't sure of much right now.
after a while (and another long sip of the drink): ]
What happened to you, in the end? [ after they'd both woken up from the fantasy. before their return to new amsterdam. ]
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a lot. it hadn't done much to help but it had given him some space to breathe and think and try to work out a plan of action. marcos hadn't really been successful but he hadn't known what else to do. he was wading in unknown waters.
he's pretty sure they both are. she might have been married and he'd had long relationships but nothing like this. ]
I walked mostly. I ran into Silena. [ he quiets on that name and looks down again. ] She, uh, still thought I was her dad. She hadn't come out of it yet.
[ which hadn't been easy to deal with. he'd played along and he's still not sure if that had been the right thing to do. ]
What happened to you?
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[ bobbi swallows, closing her eyes for a moment. things are simpler and more complicated with silena all at once. it wasn't a physical relationship like the one with marcos, a different kind of relationship entirely — but equally fictitious. ]
Since I woke up. [ she wonders if she should find her. reach out to her somehow. actually, she knows she should.
she just hasn't found the right words yet. ]
I ended up going for the spear.
[ does he know what that means? she doesn't want to just say i died. she doesn't regret it, but it still feels like saying it out loud would make it more real, somehow. she's alive now. ]
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[ he knows what that means and it's probably obvious by the way he leans forward and braces his elbows on his knees, rubbing at his face as this knew information sinks in. he knows what that means because she's not the only one to tell him that and he knows what happened to those that tried for that godforsaken spear. ]
Did you die? [ his voice is solid, steady, but quiet. his eyes are down on his feet, trying to focus on something to keep him in place. he knows what the answer's going to be but he hopes against hope that maybe he's wrong. ]
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Yeah.
[ she died.
she died hoping that it would save others, that it would save lives. she died because she swore an oath to be the shield, to protect those who can't protect themselves. she died because for all that zerzura manipulated them, pulled their strings, there were civilians there, too. it wasn't their fault.
she doesn't regret it, but that doesn't mean she's been able to just shrug it off. she pours herself a refill. ]
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[ it doesn't matter that she's alive right now. the fact that she still died. her heart had still stopped and she, along with so many others, had died without knowing what would happen. they probably thought they would die and that would be it. they'd be dead and life would go on without them. people would mourn, people would grieve but time would heal wounds.
except it hadn't happened that way. ]
Are you okay? [ he doesn't know what else to ask. she'd died. how could someone be okay after they died? ]
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I don't regret it.
[ that's not an answer to his question, but it's something, surely? it matters to her. she made her choice. ]
I will be, I think.
[ not right now. right now, she's still trying to make sense of all of it — of what she felt, feels for marcos, of her feelings about death and dying, about her own choices. ]
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I'm sorry.
[ for not being there, for not being able to help more, for not knowing how it felt to die so he could sympathize. all he can do is sit there and watch her and talk and think about reaching across to take her hand. ]
If I can help, I will. [ even with things fragile between them, he can't not offer. ]
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